I'm trying hard to resist the urge to type a disclaimer!You know those sentences which absolve the writer of a document of any guilt? That's what I'm so tempted to insert here.
I haven't written because...
...I've been sick.
...I've had another grandbaby.
...I've been overwhelmingly busy.
...I've had company. A LOT of company!
But really, do we need those explanations? What do they accomplish?
An acquaintance of mine, best-selling author Susan May Warren, has a fun and interesting take on disclaimers in her blog today (you can read hers here: http://www.susanmaywarren.com/blog/2013/07/16/disclaimers/#comment-9797).
She notices that she uses disclaimers when people walk into her house. And that got me thinking.
I do the same thing.
I'm sorry my house isn't perfect but...
...the kids have been sick.
...we're still building/remodeling.
...we've been out of town a lot.
etc.
But do these types of disclaimers really accomplish anything good?
I tell myself that I'm covering my tracks, making sure people understand there's a valid reason something might not measure up to their expectations, an excuse why something might go wrong.
But what discaimers really do is show that I'm uncomfortable inviting people into my space. And in turn, they tend to make others feel uncomfortable as they notice my discomfort. Which makes me uncomfortable, which makes all of us dizzy...
And discomfort is the OPPOSITE of what I want my friends to experience when they visit my home!
We have had a lot of company lately. Kids are bringing friends here for overnighters, over-weekenders, over whole weeks at a time... :) And I love it! I'm so happy that my kids want to open our home to their friends. Yet I often catch myself making one of these disclaimers as I welcome our guests.
I wonder why.
I suppose it's because I want people to know that I realize my house isn't perfect. I want them to know that my house is not a good basis for which to judge my character. Something like, "I'm sorry my house doesn't look like a Sears catalog display room, but you know I'm still a good person, right?" Which is totally illogical--whose house DOES look like a picture from a catalog?--and downright insulting. Do I really believe that our friends judge my character on the basis of my house? How rude!
Maybe the greatest compliment we can give someone--after that of actually inviting them into our inner sanctum--is to expect that in the graciousness of their heart they accept us no matter how long it's been or what the place looks like.
No disclaimers needed.
So welcome back to my blog, the outward expression of some of my inner cogitations. Sit down, put your feet up, and relax with a friendly cup of refreshment.
Q4U:
(questions for you)
- What makes you most comfortable (or uncomfortable!) in someone else's house?
- Besides your own house, what is the one place you've felt most at home?
I'd love to hear from you!
I'm all for inner cogitating! Thanks for this confirming post!! Love ya!!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Wendy, for your encouragement! You've been a great friend for many years. (We won't specify exactly HOW many!) :)
DeleteUpon moving to the great state of Texas I was informed by a local that I needed to temper things that I said with disclaimers so that people wouldn't be put off my my direct manner of communication. Instead, what I find to be more true is that people glaze over while I'm making the lengthy explanation as to why I feel the way I do when, really, a simple "I don't like the color" would suffice. I find myself getting impatient when my friends offer these disclaimers. I find myself thinking, "Don't you know that I love you enough to give you the benefit of the doubt and still think you're a wonderful person even if you don't agree with me? Please just TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY TRYING TO SAY!" *sigh* I'm so glad that you shared this. I think we could all do with a little less "make myself look good" and a little more confidence in the love of our friends.
ReplyDeleteThis line of yours touched my heart: "I think we could all do with a little less 'make myself look good' and a little more confidence in the love of our friends." You summed it up nicely, April! Love you.
DeleteI am so bad about making disclaimers and when I look at them I know it is because I always feel that I do not measure up in some silly way. I am trying to just quit and let things be.
ReplyDeleteI am most comfortable outside of someone's home..lol. sitting in a garden or a patio or just an outdoor seat with a cup of coffee, visiting, is my most comfortable.
My auntie's house; we sit around and have coffee together (mostly outside) and chat or cry or laugh (mostly laugh).
Great blog,
love you, my sister!
I've always loved reading your updates and posts about your family get-togethers, LT! Talking, laughing, loving, and coffee seem to be the threads that make up the seams of your special memory-making moments. Those are the times we feel accepted, where we do not need to "measure up in some silly way," like you said. Love your perspective, my eternal sister! :)
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